Let’s travel back in time to 1994, and review a little movie called “With Honors.”
You remember the one…snotty Harvard kids, brilliant hobo, cliches up the wazoo, and lessons learned by all. Yeah, that’s the one.
It opens with a ringlet laden kinda gay Patrick Dempsey (Oh McDreamy), Harvard student radio station host, spouting off about how it’s crunch time for seniors, there are only so many days left to finish that senior thesis.
Can I just interrupt right here. When this movie came out, I was in high school and starting to think about college. This whole “thesis” concept scared the crap out of me. I had this off-base notion that a thesis was a total requirement and that it would be the hardest thing in the world to do because of this stupid movie. Maybe things are way different at Harvard than at CU-Boulder, but this was not the case at my college. Senior thesis projects happened, but it was way under the radar. In fact, true story, my roommate wrote her senior thesis and I didn’t even know about it until she graduated and won an award for it. I am either a very bad friend, or it just really wasn’t that big of a deal.
I’m already digressing too much…
As Dempsey prattles on we get our first glimpse of Monty…aka Brendan Fraser. Wearing one of his many Harvard sweatshirts, he’s out for his morning run, where of course he’ll run by the (co-ed?) Harvard crew team, lead by his obvious from the get-go love interest Courtney (Moira Kelley, fresh off her Cutting Edge stint….TOE PICK!).
Only the enlightened Harvard senior thesis writers have time to jog in the cold Cambridge mornings, unless of course they are DJ’ing with a Rooster. They can do it all!
And Monty is such a stud. He not only rocks a Harvard sweatshirt like no other, he can memorize the opening chapter of his Thesis, and out run the Harvard crew team.
He’s great at everything…except backing up his work!
Oh Noes!!
What an idiot. Good thing he’s a good runner, and he’s got a Harvard colored scarf to wear as he runs in the middle of the chilly night to make photo copies of his first 10 chapters. Wait, you’ve got 10 chapters?!?! Asks annoying overly-competitive roommate. Yes, the one that is studying to by a gyno. The up-tight gyno guy. Because that’s the only way he’s going to get close to va-jay-jay.
But Oh Noes! Again. Monty stumbles and his beloved thesis finds it’s way into brilliant hobo’s lair. I can say without a doubt there is no way anyone gets to live in a boiler room of a library unnoticed. Let alone, a Harvard library.
Okay, okay…we’ve got a lot more to watch. We know how it goes. Simon (brilliant hobo) steals the thesis, and snobby Monty calls the cops. And then Simon dazzles the courtroom with his smarts and his wit. Monty bails him out and the lesson learning begins.
First, here’s how to make a little extra cash. Right out jail, steal newspapers and sell them cheaper. Only people in the 90s would come crawling for a paper newspaper. INFORMATION….I NEEDS ME SOME INFORMATION. No wonder we’re addicted to the Internet.
Newspapers and pay phones!?! How 90s.
Okay…so Monty is learning lessons, along with his roommates. They are so curious about Simon. Patrick Dempsey is a fan OF COURSE. Jeff (Mr. Va-Jay-Jay) is of course not pleased. And Courtney is simply hoping Simon’s attracted to her like the rest of her roomies.
Jeff studies for his future career.
Monty, in yet another Harvard shirt (in case we forgot where this movie was set), is not pleased with “the bum,” because he’s been working on his thesis since JUNIOR YEAR! Not Junior year. OMGah.
But then his heart melts when he wakes up in the cold night and decides to give Simon his Harvard blanket. Not invite him into the house, no. Give him a blanket for his new van pad.
Okay…so now Simon is following Monty around. Lots to do. Study, read, stink up the library…
So while they do all that academic stuff, let’s take a moment to talk about Brendan Fraser.
Ah, Brendan. I used to be in love with you. Back when you were like this….
And not like this…
Back at Chez Cliche, we learn that Jeff has only written one page of his thesis. Really? One page? That’s so unrealistic. How about 11. Sounds way more likely and frightening. One page just sounds stupid.
And the lessons keep on coming. The next day, Monty, who wants to work in government goes to government to help out Simon. But Simon doesn’t want help that he actually deserves. He’d rather hold a thesis ransom. So many lessons!
And then Simon teaches Monty a little bit about geology.
Each rock represents a moment. And let me just say in my limited geology knowledge, that rocks as shiny and pretty like these typically aren’t readily available at important moments. But perhaps I’m not looking hard enough.
And since we’re talking about important life moments, it’s time for Monty to spill his guts about his disappointing father. Daddy issues aside, he’s turned out okay. More life lessons!
Monty decides to take Simon to class. Because that is going to go off well. Naturally, Simon gets called on. And some brilliant dialogue commences:
Like, from the Prof, “There are no bums, there are only the financially challenged.”
And at one point Simon says, “Colleges produce a lot of garbage.” So very true.
Prof: “At Harvard, we don’t end our sentences with prepositions.” OUCH!
Time for Simon to school you. And he does just that. Going off about the Constitution. It’s like a prequel for “Good Will Hunting.”
How do you like them apples?
And so now we’re back home in the van pad. Monty is smitten with Simon. Who wouldn’t be? “Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.” He wants to bring Simon inside, but Jeff’s a dick head. Jeff needs to learn some lessons. Something tells me that he will.
Disappointed, or something, Simon takes off. I’m not sure. He’s teaching some sort of lesson I’m sure. Leaving Monty hearbroken, just like his father left him.
Time has passed, and we learn that not only did Monty get his cast off. Thank God. But that he’s using an awesome dot matrix printer. I’m personally jealous.
The sound of it brings tears to my eyes.
It’s now Christmas time and we hear the light melody of Madonna’s “I’ll Remember.” Such good 90s. We also learn that Monty isn’t going home for Christmas, because it’s too expensive AND his thesis won’t let him go. She’s a controlling bitch. Thankfully, the rooster is there to keep him company.
Lonely Monty nostalgically visits Simon’s old haunts. But there’s no Simon. When he’s given up hope, there’s a knock on the door. Simon has sent a messenger because for some reason, he doesn’t want to see Monty.
The messenger has brought along the thesis and has a message originally penned by Walt Whitman, “You shall no longer take things at second or third hand, not look through the eyes of the dead, nor feed on the spectres in books. You shall not look through my eyes either, nor take things from me, you shall listen to all sides and filter them from yourself.” What is the lesson in all this madness?? Why Simon?
Monty finds Simon in an alley and he’s really sick. Poor Simon. He refuses to go to the hospital and Monty gives in way easily. Instead, he takes care of him at home. We learn he’s got bad lungs from asbestos. God damn the Man! Stupid ship yards.
While the two soul mates have a heart-to-heart. I want to talk to about Joe Pesci for a minute. What is there to say? I think this was his one shot to break outside his typecasting. I guess he did just that. He fits the role well.
So Monty is now learning lots of lessons and finding that his thesis is total crap. He hates it! It’s 83 pages of drivel. He’s going to start fresh. Bad plan Harvard.
The two sit down to a romantic New Year’s Eve chicken dinner. Simon made it for him!
But boy-oh-boy-oh-boy was it hard to pluck those rooster’s feathers. Whatcha’ talkin about Willis? Not the ROOSTER!! OH NOES!!
RIP Rooster.
Jeff is back and he is not pleased to find Simon in the house taking a dump. Jeff still hasn’t learned his lesson. But he’s going to break sometime.
Okay, okay. So much has happened. They’ve recovered well after the Rooster death. First, there’s a montage. We see Monty cruising on his most excellent new thesis. And Patrick Dempsey has Simon on his radio show so they can drink wine and be phony. And we see Monty and Courtney growing closer.
Montage over…back to work. We get a nice Jeff and Simon moment, where they bicker. But Simon has french toast to offer and Jeff just can’t resist. And then Simon drops the bomb. The big old lesson. Simon says, “You know why you hate me so much? Because I look how you feel.” LESSON. LEARNED.
Days later, Simon, who is blatantly dying, even though we rarely see him cough, is writing his obituary. He’s studying others to get ideas. Classy. And he spouts off this little nugget about one man’s obituary “How can he die? He never lived.” Very wise Simon.
Then Monty finds out that much like his own papa, Simon ditched his wife and kid too. Harsh. Lessons are overwhelming for both Simon and Monty. Monty is pissed. Daddy issues are surfacing and he walks out on Simon.
But he can’t stay mad for long. In fact, that whole issue just gets dropped and Monty takes Simon as his date to some huge pajama party. I would have loved to go to a pajama party in college. Why didn’t we do that?
Courtney gets in another fight with her (bro) boyfriend and Monty capitalizes on the moment. He finds her outside by a fountain in her lingerie (slut) and just kisses her.
“What are you doing?” she asks.
“I’m ending our friendship.” SMOOTH.
But the lovemaking can’t go on forever. Simon IS DYING. And he decides to tell the saddest story about a dying dog. The director and screenwriter both knew it would be the only way we would feel emotions.
More daddy issues. And then it’s road trip time. Monty is not done with his thesis, but he’s taking Simon on the road anyway, to see his abandoned son. Everyone is going along, even Jeff (who finished his thesis. He must have had a break through. Perhaps it was the french toast?).
Good thing Simon fixed Patrick Dempsey’s van pad, cause they are cruising! They arrive at Simon Jr’s house. Understandably, Simon Jr rejects him. It does not go over well.
Regardless, Simon picks up a nice little rock and puts it in his pouch. MOMENT PRESERVED.
Simon is now super dying. He wants to find a quite place in the grass to die like the dog in his sad dog story. Harvard & CO won’t let him. Instead of taking him to a hospital STILL, they take him home to die there. And they do it with urgency.
Now comes one of the most ridiculous parts of this movie. Instead of getting him medical care they read to him Walt Whitman’s “Leaves of Grass.” Even Jeff gets in on it! JEFF!
They read him into eternal slumber. Ultimate lesson learned.
The funeral commences and Monty reads his obituary. Jeff gets a shout out! As do the others.
Simon is gone.
Of course, Monty has missed the thesis deadline, and there is no way he can graduate with honors. But he graduates anyway, with….(get this)….HONOR.
And as he walks through that infamous Harvard gate, he picks up a rock to capture the moment.
The end.
Thank you 90s.
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