My Last Trip to "Our" Old Chicago's
Bleh. Bad times.
So yesterday I was doing just fine. Hanging in there and being optimistic. When I was leaving work Brian called to tell me that he was going to have dinner with this friend Phil and his brother Shawn. That bummed me out because I hate being in the apartment all by myself.
Well I considered not being in the apartment and doing something fun on my own, but decided against it. So after a short but intense cry over the whole thing I went home and actually had a pretty good time. I did some knitting and I even did that laundry I’ve been putting off and did the dishes. So I was feeling pretty good about it.
When Brian got home around 9 p.m. I was already in my pajamas and I had de-beautified (taking out my contacts and washing off my make-up). He informed me that he was taking today off because he has a lot of comp time, so he suggested that we go out.
I considered telling him to dream on. Just because he doesn’t have to go to work I still do. His “self-view” of the world drives me crazy. But I changed my mind and decided to go for it. For some reason I had a feeling that it was important for me to do this. So I got dressed and we went to Old Chicago’s.
Well we got to the end of our time there just fine, but before the bill came we got in this huge fight. Essentially over my ability to stay in touch with his family and friends. He doesn’t want me to be in touch with them. I’ve been uninvited to every event that we were planning on going to, small and large. This is irritating to me. I have a theory about why he is trying to cut me off. I’m convinced he has been talking massive shit about me to his family and friends and trying to act like a victim. I think that he is out there describing me as this totally cold-hearted person who had no interest in his life nor cared at all for his friends and family.
I could go on and on about how this isn’t true with magnificent examples of my care and receipts to show how much of my money that I spent on their behalf that I will still be paying for once he is gone. I won’t do that here because there is no need. I know who I am and how I feel and what I have done. I have lost respect for him because he cannot see it.
To make a truly horrible story a little more brief and not so detailed, he went fucking bananas while I sat there silently crying because there was no use in defending myself.
One helpful outcome of this big fight is that I am now more excited about moving on. Not all together happy or gleeful over it, but a little more motivated to make the most of it.
I spoke with him today. He is better now but he still feels the way he feels. He still feels like I was inadequate and heartless. I may have been inadequate by his metrics, but I am most definitely not heartless. I know how my heart felt through our relationship and how it feels now. Since my heart is completely broken that must be worth something.
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